Working for the Weekend

At the end of this past work week, Michael and I pretty much collapsed. It was a rough one.

Unfortunately, after I posted on Tuesday about Nora's fever, she didn't get better. In fact, just hours later, she was way worse.

Michael and I woke up to Nora crying at around 12:45 a.m. Given that she had been sick, I didn't wait long before going in to her. When I took her out of her crib, I could tell right away that she was burning up.

I had given her ibuprofen before she went to bed at 7:00 p.m., so I grabbed the Tylenol (we were alternating drugs, especially when enough time hadn't passed since the last ibuprofen dose to be able to give her another one) and the thermometer and took her to the rocking chair in her room. Poor baby had her eyes closed the whole time, but was whimpering and just generally uncomfortable.

Beep! Thermometer registered and it was... 105 degrees.

SCARY.

I confirmed the ear thermometer reading with an underarm temp, and after giving her Tylenol and rocking her for a few minutes in the chair, Michael and I agreed that we'd bring her into bed with us. Honestly, we were too afraid to leave her in her crib by herself when her fever was that high--even if she would've let us.

To make a long night short, Michael and I were up until 4:00 a.m. waiting for her fever to break. The Tylenol dose I gave her only seemed to lower her temperature by a degree--to 104--which was not very comforting. Nora did her best to sleep on us, but her high fever was causing a lot of discomfort, which caused her to squirm around a lot and wake up frequently, whining and crying. As worried parents, we were just too wound up to fall asleep during all of this. At around 3:00 a.m., I decided to give her another dose of ibuprofen (it had then been eight hours since the last ibuprofen dose, but only about two hours since the Tylenol dose), and thankfully, within the hour, her fever finally dropped down to 102 degrees and Nora showed noticeable improvement. Her breathing--which had been rapid and loud when her fever was really high--slowed and quieted, and we decided that she would probably sleep best in her own bed. We were right, as she went back into her crib easily, and we were able to get a few hours of shut-eye ourselves.

So, Wednesday was fun. (I hope you sense the sarcasm.) We had been up the majority of the night, and clearly, Nora was not going back to daycare, so we had to figure out how we were going to juggle our work at work and taking care of our precious girl at home.

And although her fever never reached the 104-105 degree range again, Nora continued to run a fever of 101-103 on Wednesday and Thursday, buying her the rest of the week at home with us.

Juggle, juggle, juggle.

I will say that I have never been so thankful for the flexibility of my employer. As luck would have it, my work load was pretty heavy this week, so I was unable to just take sick time and relax about it all. For Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, Michael and I shared the work-at-home parent duties, splitting the days into morning and afternoon "shifts." One of us would go to work in the morning, the other would stay home, and then we'd switch in the afternoon. Our managers and coworkers were incredibly flexible and understanding about it, which made a stressful situation a little less stressful.

Oh, I also have to say: Parents who actually work at home while simultaneously keeping their kids at home with them? And do this on a regular, everyday basis? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU DO IT.

On the days that Nora was feeling especially awful, she slept a lot, which allowed us to get work done, even when we were home with her. But when she was awake, we took special care to have our focus be on her, making up for the time later--usually after she was in bed at night, which made for long days for us!

On Friday, Nora was feeling better, but was still SUPER clingy and whiny. I was home in the morning, but had a deadline I had to meet, so I was trying to finish up a few things and Nora just would NOT let me put her down. I ended up propping her half on/half off my lap on the couch, turning on the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and working on my laptop on the other side of me. Did it work? Sure. But I also felt like a terrible mother.

So it all felt like a double-edged sword. If I was trying to WORK from home in order to meet my deadlines at work, I felt badly if I was instead taking time out for Nora. And if I was turning my attention to my work instead of Nora, I felt terribly that I was ignoring my sick baby.

Working parenthood sucks sometimes. That's really all there is to it.

On the bright side of things, I think both Michael and I really did enjoy and take advantage of our extra time with our sweetheart this week. She was so clingy/snuggly, and she just wanted US. And no matter how hard it is to see your kid sick, there is something really special about being the only ones who can make her feel better.

I'm glad she's finally on the mend, but I'll really miss her when we return to our normal schedule on Monday.

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Saved by the Bell Storm

If things had gone according to plan, I would be in New York City tonight. IF they had gone according to plan.

They didn't.

I was supposed to fly out at 6:00 a.m. this morning for a conference all day, then half day Saturday and be back home before dinner. Short trip, but a part of me was still dreading it for one reason: I didn't want to be away from my girl! I've never been away from Nora overnight before, and I'm not sure I'm ready!

Last night, I was preparing to go to bed before my super early alarm, and I decided to print out my boarding pass so I could bypass the ticket counter in the morning. Well, thank goodness I checked, because when I got to the page and entered my confirmation number, I was informed that my flight was cancelled. Interesting.

I called Jet Blue right away to see what the deal was, and I soon found out that my flight was cancelled due to... weather. 8+ hours in advance. Weird. And try as they might have, they could not get me rebooked on any flight before 5:00 p.m. tonight. Considering Day 1 of the conference would be over by then, that news effectively made the trip pointless for me. I cancelled the reservation, got a refund, and went to bed.

This morning, instead of getting up at 3:30 a.m., I got up at normal time. I got to see my girl. And I turned on the Today Show to find... absolutely beautiful weather in NYC. And upon checking, every other 6:00 a.m. flight (different airlines) to JFK took off on time. And my flight was the only one that Jet Blue had cancelled.

Bastards! If this had been a vacation, I would've blown a gasket. Yet I found myself calm about the situation, because, well, there were too many "pros" to staying home.

Am I disappointed about missing the conference? Sure. Would it have been nice to make a quick trip to NYC? Yes.

But I got to drop off and pick up Nora from daycare today. I got to play with her and feed her and read to her. I got to put her to bed. I get to spend the entirety of my weekend at home with my little family. So, in the end, who can be mad about that?

The "first night away from baby" milestone will have to be saved for another time.

I'm so relieved.

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Groovy

So I've been a little bit M.I.A. around these parts. Things are busy, and the truth is that aside from sharing pics of Nora, I don't feel like I have much to blog about these days. We are doing the normal Christmas season stuff--family gatherings, shopping, baking. The holidays are busy anyway, but add a baby into the mix and they seem even busier.

The last time I really updated you on how we're doing, we were in my first week back at work, which was rough on many levels. But during our second full week, I dare say we hit a groove.

First off, and most importantly, Nora started sleeping better at daycare. She has fallen into a routine there that seems to be working for us. It's still way different than the routine she was in at home, of course, but I suppose change is to be expected.

On a normal day, Nora takes a morning nap and an afternoon nap. The sitter says that these last around 1.5 hours each. In an ideal world, these naps would be a bit longer, but there's not much I can do about it. Our only "problem" with this situation is that by the time we pick her up, Nora is ready for a third nap. She almost always falls asleep on the car ride home, and then we let her nap for 30-45 minutes to "hold her over" until bed. I'll wake her up by about 6:15, then she'll hang out with us while we eat dinner, we'll play, then we do bath (if it's a bath night) and bedtime. She's usually in bed around 7:30 p.m.

The cons of this routine are kind of obvious... we get less time with her than I'd like. If I could change things, I'd love for her naps at daycare to be a little longer so that she could cut out the after-work nap and we could have a bit more awake time with her before she goes to bed.

I will admit, however, that this routine has its pros as well. Her little naptime allows us to unpack everything from the day, like dirty bottles, dirty diapers, pump parts, lunch dishes, etc. We can change our clothes and get comfortable for the evening. One of us starts dinner while the other washes bottles and pump parts, and straightens up a bit. Since we plan easy meals during the week these days, dinner is usually done by the time we wake Nora, at which point we all sit down together to eat and relax. Most of the time, the little nap refreshes Nora enough so that she's in a great mood, so although shorter than we might like, the time we have with her is fun and happy.

Then, later, once Nora's in bed, we finish whatever we didn't get done before dinner--diaper laundry, regular laundry, more straightening up. I prepare the next day's bottles and freeze the milk I pumped during the day.

See? The groove: we've got it.

By the time Friday rolls around, I'm SO.READY. for the weekend so I can spend more time with my baby girl. But aside from that, things really haven't been too bad. Being back at work has its pros, too. My vocabulary is working its way back up from being reduced to "How big is Nora? Soooo big!" and the lyrics to "The Wheels on the Bus" and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" while I was on my maternity leave. Of course, I would love to be at home with Nora, but this working mom gig, while challenging, hasn't been as horrible as I was expecting.

At daycare, the sitter says Nora is super happy and smiley all day. And although it makes me sad to hear that I'm missing all of those smiles, I'm just glad to know that she's happy. The other little girls who are at daycare with her LOVE Nora; they all come running to do the door exclaiming "BABY NORA!" when I come in each morning. Nora will smile at them, and apparently spends all day observing their play, fascinated by everything that they do. So, all in all, we have a great thing going.

A happy baby equals a happy mama. And that's really all there is to it.

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Adjustment

Well, Monday sucked. There was no question that it would though, was there?

Nora, my perfect little sleeper, decided to throw a wrench in things on Sunday night and was wide awake between 3-5 a.m. Of course she would choose the night before I have to go back to work to do that, right? She must've known something was going on, the little stinker. Then the time came to get up and get it over with, and I cried all the way to daycare, dropped her off, then cried all the way to work. The waterworks continued a few times at work, too, but overall, I wasn't as big of a mess as I thought I'd be.

My coworkers kept me pretty busy and plus, I have to admit I felt a certain level of liberation. I'd find myself thinking, "Wow! I can pee by myself!" and "Nice! It doesn't take me three hours to write a simple e-mail!" But I did miss my girl like crazy.

On Tuesday and today, things were easier. Drop-off hasn't been nearly as painful, and I've only called our sitter once per day instead of the three times I called her on Monday. The only thing that has really been bothering me is the lack of time with Nora. When we get her up (or she wakes up) in the morning, we only really have a half an hour or so before we have to leave the house, and of course, we're running around doing everything we need to do to get out the door. Then, when I pick her up, we don't get home until 5:30, and then we've had to start bedtime routine at 6:45. So it's just NOT.ENOUGH.TIME. I miss her so much, and it's only been three days. The weekend cannot come fast enough.

Daycare itself has been going pretty well, I think. The sitter reports that Nora is happy, alert, and drains her bottles. She apparently loves watching the other kids and observing everything around her. And the kids (all girls, coincidentally) LOVE having Nora around and dote on her. So it's a good situation and I think it'll be great for her long-term.

My only complaint? Nora is not napping.

When she was home with me, Nora would usually only go an hour to an hour and a half of awake time before she would need to take a nap. I would recognize her "tired signs" early, and could typically get her down for a nap without issue. Recently, naps had become pretty short--maybe 45 minutes to an hour--but she was taking them pretty frequently throughout the day so she was still spending a good amount of the daytime hours napping.

Now, at daycare, Nora is apparently only sleeping for a couple of hours total. Today, our sitter said that she slept for an hour and a half this morning, then an hour in the afternoon. When I picked her up, it was clear she was totally exhausted. On Monday and Tuesday, she fell asleep on the car ride home, but tonight she screamed. That should've been my first indication that things were going to be rough.

Last night, I initially got her down for bed around her normal time (7:30), but then she spent an hour and a half waking up every five minutes and fighting going back to sleep. It was aggravating, but once she was finally down (at 9:00), she was down.

Tonight, she was so clearly exhausted that I started bedtime early, and I had her in her bed by a little after 7:00. Two and a half hours later, we were still battling with her to get her to go to sleep and stay that way. It's 10:00 now and it's been a bit since we've heard from her, but I'm not entirely convinced that we won't again. IT IS BRUTAL.

I think the issue is that with each passing day, she's missing out on more sleep, never catching up on what she missed the day before. So she's becoming more and more overtired as the week wears on. I did some quick Googling and found some advice that says to try to make up for their lack of naps at bedtime. In other words, I'm going to have to try to put her to bed as soon as we get home. :( That rips my heart out, because I feel like I already get so little time with her--now I have to put her to bed at 6:00??

I hope she will start to nap better at the sitter's ASAP! The hard part is I feel like I have no control over the situation because I'm not the one who is with her during the day. *sigh* But hopefully this is just a period of adjustment, and this too shall pass.

In the meantime, I am really, really missing my girl.

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I'm not ready.

Yesterday, life was all that you've ever known it to be.

Today, everything will change.

This morning, I will get you up earlier than you're used to. I will feed you, get you dressed, and pack you into your car seat. You love car rides, so you won't think anything of it. But then we're going to pull up to a house that is pretty unfamiliar to you. I'm going to take you inside, hug and kiss you goodbye, and hand you over to a stranger. Finally, I will turn around and walk out, because I have to go to work, and for the first time in your little life, you won't be able to come with me. And I will cry.

I'm not ready.

How is it that 12 weeks can go by so quickly? It seems like just yesterday, we were bringing you home from the hospital and this journey, our wonderful time together, was just beginning. I look back in awe, because I simply cannot believe that we've reached this point already. I feel like I don't know where the time went; it feels like it somehow slipped away.

But then, I remember. The time: it was full. It was filled with snuggling, kisses, laughter, smiles, and hugs. Feedings and diaper changes, baths and naps. Sleeping in together. Books and songs and trips out of the house. It was filled with love. Me loving you, you loving me--24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I will always remember it as one of the greatest times of my life. It was a gift.

That wonderful time of just you and me, all day, every day--that was yesterday.

Today, different hands will hold you. A different voice will sing. You will nuzzle into a different neck to drift off for your nap. Different fingers will stroke your hair, and different palms will pat your back. You will eat from a bottle, and burp over a new shoulder. Someone else will have the privilege of enjoying your smiles.

I will have to share you. And as much as that makes sense--as much as it is good for us--it makes me cry to know what I will miss. That while I sit at my desk for 8.5 hours today, you will grow 8.5 hours older without me there to witness it. The part of your life during which I live every minute of it with you--it's over, and...

I'm not ready.

For nine months, I carried you within my body, taking you with me wherever I went. We were connected in every way. You were mine--all mine. For the last 12 weeks, you have lived outside, on your own, but still so very attached to me in all of the ways that count. So, today--to leave you and go off on my own, while you go off on your own--it feels so very unnatural. You are a piece of me; you are my heart. And I am leaving you behind.

The transition: We will make it. Soon, this will be our new normal. Someday, it will not hurt as badly as it does now. We will do it, simply because we have to. But knowing where we will be does not make where we are any easier to deal with.

I'm just not ready.

But ready or not... it's here.

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you;
After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."
- Unknown

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Practice

I took 12 weeks off of work for maternity leave. I have only 3.5 weeks left.

Now that I am within the final third of my all-day, everyday time with Nora, I am shaking in my boots. I always knew that I'd be going back to work after a baby, but now that it's becoming a reality ohmygodIsodon'twantto. I dread the day I have to leave her at the sitter's and go to work all day. Dread it.

One of my friends told me that the day she had to leave her daughter for the first time was one of the worst days of her life. Another friend told me that for the first few weeks, I will feel an actual physical ache all day long, the whole time I'm separated from Nora.

Well, now... doesn't that all sound fun?

Today, I had to go into work for the morning for a special meeting. Michael was able to arrange it so he could work from home for half the day, so he stayed home with the babe while I took off to the office. I had to leave the house at 7:30 a.m., and I was back a little bit after noon. Four and a half hours, people. That's all.

Still, last night, as I was lying in bed, I stared at my little sweetheart in her bed and felt sadness in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't that I was worried about her--she was going to be with her daddy, after all--it was just that I knew how much I was going to miss her. And we're talking about four and a half hours!

Oh, man... the real thing is going to hurt.

On December 6, I fear my heart will break into a million little pieces.

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