Pain

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I have posts to catch up on--I need to post about our fun (or lack thereof!) in Montreal, and I need to do my weekly pregnancy post/update. Hopefully I will be feeling up to it tomorrow. But not today.

When we were in the car, making our way back home yesterday, we received a devastating and unexpected phone call.

Sadly, we have lost a member of our family to suicide. This person was not immediate family, but very close family nonetheless. Honestly, because of the circumstances and out of respect for my family, I do not want to go into further detail.

The bottom line is that my family is in pain. Horrible, gut-wrenching, heart-aching pain. And although I have been deeply affected by this death, there are others who have been impacted so much more severely--and I am trying to be as much support as possible.

We are broken.

Thankfully, I have not experienced many "kinds" of death in my 27 years of life. Still, I think that aside from losing a child, suicide has got to be the worst way to lose someone. There is so much sorrow. There is so much anger. There are so many dark thoughts. There are so many questions that will never be answered.

A work friend of mine took her own life on May 6, 2003. It was the first time suicide had touched my life and I was completely thrown by it. I carried the pain and questions with me for months. Healing was definitely a process, and it was a long one. So, in a way, I've been through this before. But not like this. The death was not that close to me.

It is now.

I hurt, but I hurt mostly for the other members of my family. I ache for them, as they have spent these last few days in anguish. The hardest part is that I know the pain will never go away for them. It will change over time, but it will always be there. Their lives have been forever affected.

So I pray. I hug. And we cry.

20 comments:

Amanda June 8, 2010 at 10:38 PM  

I can't even imagine. Thoughts and prayers your way and your family's way.

MLC84 June 8, 2010 at 11:20 PM  

You family is my thoughts and prayers. I had a college roommate who lost her boyfriend to suicide, it's a very difficult way to lose someone.

Vanessa June 8, 2010 at 11:21 PM  

I am so sad to hear this - I can't even imagine... it's very good of you to be thinking of how you can be strong for others at this time... thinking of you and your family.

Wishing on stars June 8, 2010 at 11:43 PM  

I'm so sorry Heather. I know how unbelievably painful it is to lose someone like that. My brother's best friend committed suicide in high school. And your right, it's not only about your pain for your loss, it's the pain you feel for you family.

I'm sorry.

Tania June 8, 2010 at 11:46 PM  

I lost my father to suicide 6 years ago. I was actually just telling DH at dinner how much I miss him. This post brought tears to my eyes because I know exactly how you feel. If you need to talk or vent or anything, my email is on my blog. Please don't hesitate to reach out. I know what it feels like to not have anyone to talk to that understands.

Janelle June 8, 2010 at 11:46 PM  

So sorry to hear that. I wish the best for your family as you all try to heal.

Krystie June 9, 2010 at 1:22 AM  

:( I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish you guys nothing but good thoughts, and healing prayers. I can't even wrap my brain around such a tragic thing, but just know I'm thinking about you guys!

Blue & June 9, 2010 at 8:54 AM  

Your family is absolutely in my thoughts and prayers.

Heather June 9, 2010 at 9:04 AM  

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

We lost a family friend to suicide 2 years ago, it's such a tough thing to understand and grieve.

Amanda,  June 9, 2010 at 10:30 AM  

I'm so very sorry for your family's loss. You are right, the pain will never subside. It will manifest and come in waves.
You're in my thoughts.

Moya June 9, 2010 at 11:09 AM  

I'm so sorry about your loss. I am praying for you & your family. I lost my aunt suddenly over the weekend and I know God is an awesome comforter.

Life of a Doctor's Wife June 9, 2010 at 11:15 AM  

I am so sorry for your loss, Heather. Sending thoughts of peace and healing to you and your family.

Catherine June 9, 2010 at 12:09 PM  

I am so sorry for your family.

Kupcake June 9, 2010 at 12:28 PM  

I am so sorry for your lost. Almost 4 years ago my husband lost his twin brother to suicide. It has been very difficult, but we have learned to heal as much as we can. Some days are going to be harder then others. But I wish you all the best.

Sarah,  June 9, 2010 at 1:33 PM  

My condolences to your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Jacqueline June 9, 2010 at 1:55 PM  

Heather I am so sorry.
My thoughts are with your family...
<3

Gemmi11684 June 9, 2010 at 3:22 PM  

I am thinking of you and your family in this difficult time. I can't even imagine what you must be going through, just know that there are alot of people out here that haven't even met you, and are praying and thinking about you! I wish you healing and comfort.

Gaynor June 9, 2010 at 7:03 PM  

So sorry you are going through this; thoughts are with you & your family.

Anonymous,  June 10, 2010 at 5:17 AM  

My husband lost his best friend from childhood days to suicide in January, and we still haven't completely realized what really happened. After reading this, we both we're crying. Our hearts and prayers go out to you and your family and all people affected.
One thing we learned that really helps, even though it is terribly hard: try to understand that it was his/her own decision and try to respect that he/she wanted to go and didn't want to hurt anyone. Remember the precious moments you had together, over and over again.
And most of all: never ever forget to laugh...

nikinikinine June 10, 2010 at 12:56 PM  

I'm so sorry for your loss

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