Favre Schmavre

Attention: Brett Favre

From: Heather

Subject: Your Most Recent Shenanigans

This has been ridiculous. You are making an ass of yourself. Why couldn't you have just retired as the hero most of the football world renowned you as? You couldn't just leave well enough alone, could you?

First, there was this back-and-forth crap last summer. We had to hear for weeks--"Will Favre *gasp* RETIRE?!" And in the end, it was all over nothing. You came back. OK, fine... you wanted to give it one more go. I think most people could understand that. It's something you've been doing your whole life. You love it. It's hard to give it up.

But then, there was the end of this last season. We had to endure several more weeks (MONTHS?) of speculation. "What EVER will Favre do?! It's such a tough DECISION!!"

And then you held a huge press conference and boo-hooed like a baby as you announced you were leaving. Excerpts from your retirement press conference:

"...But I am officially retiring from the NFL and the Green Bay Packers, and as much as I've thought about what I would say, and how ... I promised I wouldn't get emotional ... it's never easy ..."

"...It was never about the money or fame or records, and I hear people talk about your accomplishments and things ... It was never my accomplishments, it was our accomplishments, the teammates that I've played with, and I can name so many. It was never about me, it was about everybody else..."

Knowing what I know now, this next thing really makes me chuckle and makes me think we all really should have seen this coming.

On that day, a reporter in the room told you that fans were skeptical you would actually retire. Fans thought you'd end up coming back. The reporter asked you to address that. Excerpts from that part of the press conference:

"I think last year and the year before I was tired and it took awhile but I came back. Something told me this time not to come back..."

"...I know I can play. But this year, and this is not the first year but it really to me and Deanna was more noticeable, the stress part of it. It's demanding. It always has been, but I think as I've gotten older I'm much more aware of that. I'm much more aware of how hard it is to win in this league and to play at a high level. I'm not up to the challenge anymore. I can play, but I'm not up to the challenge..."

I am a big fan of football. Not of the Packers, specifically (sorry, buddy, I'm loyal to my Bills), but in general, we love football in our house. We are involved in fantasy leagues and watch games other than the Bills' games, etc.

So when you retired? When you had your tearful goodbye? I thought to myself--Well, there goes one of the greats. But it's time. It's time for him to leave. He probably should have left a few years ago, but he's doing it now and that's fine. As a fan of football, there was certainly that respect for you.

But now? Now, all I can think is that you just can't stand not hearing your name in the news. Heaven forbid someone talk about football and not mention Brett Favre.

This whole "coming back from retirement" thing? It is such a waste. Nothing good has ever come from "coming back from retirement" in sports. At least I cannot think of a good example. Michael Jordan? Yikes.

You are OLD (relative to football players). You need to come to terms with the fact that you are not what you used to be, and retire. My gosh, just go and enjoy time with your family! Do something else with yourself!

Last week, the Packers were going to give you a $20 million deal JUST TO RETIRE. $2 million a year for 10 years just for you to shut up and go home. Come on, now... this should have been a huge red flag. They don't want anything to do with you! They were trying to pay you to stay away! Of course, you would have been a huge ass to accept that deal (you know, since it was "never about the money"), but HOW COULD YOU NOT ACCEPT THAT DEAL?! Especially now that you are probably going to end up playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

It's been pretty clear for the last few weeks that you have no interest in playing for the Packers. Kudos to you. Not only have you managed to get all football fans up in a tizzy, but now you're alienating every single cheesehead who has, until now, considered you a god. You are SMRT.

I feel sorry that the Packers have had to deal with all of this crap while trying to get ready for the season. You put them in quite the pickle. They had to decide whether to accept you back--as the starting QB, or a backup--or piss off all of the fans by trading you away (which is what you wanted all along anyway). Sure, Aaron Rodgers probably isn't going to take them to the SuperBowl this year, but you weren't getting the job done either. At least the new kid has no where to go but up. You, on the other hand? You're just done. So remind me... why would they want you? I'm actually shocked that anyone does. You're a short-term solution. More specifically, you're a "solution" that throws a lot of interceptions.

And I mean a LOT of interceptions. We see these expressions of dejection a lot.

Way to go, my friend. It's not really about what you've done so much as it is about how you've handled it.

You better trot out onto that field as a Buc with rainbows shooting out of your ass, and touchdowns flying left and right. Even then, I'm not sure people will ever look at you the same.

And let me guess... Next year? We'll go through yet another "What are Brett Favre's plans?!" song and dance. Oooh, dandy.